Abuse Part 2

Sometimes I wish I could just get cancer and know that there is a certain end in sight. Right now I feel like the living dead. Correction, death would be easier. Living is hell. Even in my darkest of dark days back home I always knew I could go back to my parents.

Right now I feel like I am being forced to endure a slow death with no option for a fast one. Every day I stand on the border of facing the possibility of having to put the place on the market and hope for the best, and every day closer to that I have less and less money. Had I done it sooner, I would be in a less crap situation but relying on FW is as usual always to my detriment.

I feel very weak today, I don't even have the energy to feel sad anymore. Just emptiness. I think FW would be happy if I suddenly died (and left a hefty insurance payout for him). It would solve all his problems. Then he could go out and meet the 101 women he keeps mentioning that are interested. The truth is, if he would just leave, I could move on with my life. But he remains here, ostensibly in a relationship that is clearly gone, ostensibly fairly contributing, ostensibly helping me but he is only using me to get his way as usual.

I will not deny that FW contributes a fair share to the expenses, especially now, but what really pisses me off is that I contributed so much more when I was working and even his increased contributions can't even things out now, and he dares to insist that he is 'keeping' me now, does that mean that I was keeping him when I was working?

I calculated today that compared to all the contributions FW has made since he moved in here he has actually only paid 28% of the total expenses for the flat over the last 17 months. When I footed the majority of the expenses, I did not go around telling everyone that he lived in my flat and that I covered most of the bills or in any way make him look small to his friends or family. Now he insists that people find it very generous of him to be 'keeping' me. That they think I have it all. And based on his character he he must be spinning some very embellished stories to all concerned.

Last year when the plan was for me to stop work and be at home until we managed to (as a partnership) get a working visa for me, I did not expect to be the victim of psychological abuse derived mainly from alcohol abuse on his part. As a result I did not pursue a visa on the basis of my relationship with him. That was not expected. He said he would support me when I left work. And when we had the conversation in January, he said he was ashamed and let me down and that he would do anything he could to make up for it, including paying my rent if I moved elsewhere while he covered the rest of the bills whether by buying my flat or not. He even offered to get a loan to pay me for the furniture so that I would have some funds to complete my qualification, so that even though my stay here with him has been traumatic and messed up my chances of getting a visa, I would still have some validation, that he could salvage something.

Seems like all talk now. Now he says he only agreed to help out for a little while. Suddenly all apparent remorse was bullshit. Suddenly he wants to hold the cards and fuck me over, again. I feel more inspired now to pursue the domestic abuse case, as FW feels he can get away with everything. I am so sick and tired of it all.

Today he insists he pays me x amount of money a month, what an absolute load of bullshit, I have my bank statements to prove that is not the case, and he says we are finished. When were we not finished and more realistically, when is he going to be finished enough to just leave me alone and piss off? I dont even care about the money now, I am just angry that yet again, when I was on the brink of throwing him out in January, he manufactured these white lies to passify me and let him stay, he didn't even mean a single word. I still have the texts to prove how apparently sorry he was. If anything that is a sure indicator of the kind of liar he is.

And he always creates an argument out of absolutely nothing, especially when the lounge door is open so that all the neighbours can hear and he provokes me just to the point of yelling, which I think is exactly what he wants, because after that, after he carefully says exactly what he knows will piss me off, he resorts to 'I dont want to argue now'. How fucking marvellous. He argues until: he realises he is wrong/can't defend himself anymore/I am angry/the neighbours are listening and this alone satisfies the sadistic fuckwit.

I cant wait to get this all over with.