This morning when I left the building, a man was trying to get in. He apologised for being in my way when I opened the door, I told him it wasn’t a problem. Then he said, ‘you smell beautiful’. I said, ‘excuse me?’ and he said ‘you smell gorgeous’. I was so embarrassed I said ‘thank you’ without looking at him and hurried off to the car.
On my way to the station I thought about that compliment. This morning I made a little bit of a fuss about myself, my make-up, my outfit, I wanted to feel good. I was getting my groove back. I sprayed perfume all over myself, my hair, my clothes, like I used to when I was 21. And someone noticed me.
I was smiling on the inside, when I thought that when I was younger, I would have had the courage to look him in the eye, smile and say thank you. And then I realised that when I was younger I would have probably not given any attention to anything short of something like, ‘Mmm...I love your scent...smells like... jasmine in the spring...a beautiful scent to go along with a beautiful woman...’
And I had to ask myself: In my downward demise, have I created a self-fulfilling prophesy of being a ‘nobody’?
And, when did I drop my standards and why?
Today I met K for a quick lunch. I had to get up early and arrange so much just to arrive at Liverpool Street and walk a mile and meet her. I was looking forward to it, but it left me flat and uncomfortable. K opened up about her relationship with her boyfriend and I realised that I was actually having it easy in life compared to her. I can only imagine I said the wrong things as I got no response to the email I sent her afterwards, explaining that I may have been cold but want to help and become closer. There was also a moment where I wasn’t sure if she was asking for money.
On the way back I realised that my knee was acting up again, and my feet were raw with pain from my heels. I hobbled back into the flat and as I dropped onto my bed to get my heels off, I realised that I felt really old. Old and tired, like my mind needed a permanent holiday and my body was showing signs of over-use. And then I remembered again, that in a few hours time I will be a year older.
On my way to the station I thought about that compliment. This morning I made a little bit of a fuss about myself, my make-up, my outfit, I wanted to feel good. I was getting my groove back. I sprayed perfume all over myself, my hair, my clothes, like I used to when I was 21. And someone noticed me.
I was smiling on the inside, when I thought that when I was younger, I would have had the courage to look him in the eye, smile and say thank you. And then I realised that when I was younger I would have probably not given any attention to anything short of something like, ‘Mmm...I love your scent...smells like... jasmine in the spring...a beautiful scent to go along with a beautiful woman...’
And I had to ask myself: In my downward demise, have I created a self-fulfilling prophesy of being a ‘nobody’?
And, when did I drop my standards and why?
Today I met K for a quick lunch. I had to get up early and arrange so much just to arrive at Liverpool Street and walk a mile and meet her. I was looking forward to it, but it left me flat and uncomfortable. K opened up about her relationship with her boyfriend and I realised that I was actually having it easy in life compared to her. I can only imagine I said the wrong things as I got no response to the email I sent her afterwards, explaining that I may have been cold but want to help and become closer. There was also a moment where I wasn’t sure if she was asking for money.
On the way back I realised that my knee was acting up again, and my feet were raw with pain from my heels. I hobbled back into the flat and as I dropped onto my bed to get my heels off, I realised that I felt really old. Old and tired, like my mind needed a permanent holiday and my body was showing signs of over-use. And then I remembered again, that in a few hours time I will be a year older.
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