Sweet Nostalgia

When I was 21, and living with my ex P, the aim of my life was fun, fun, fun. And P did a lot to keep that going. I remember the continuous kid games and dares, and the spontaneous, non-stop self entertainment. We drove out in his side-less, roofless, 4-by-4’s, barefoot and caused a stir on the streets. We had raucous parties, karaoke sessions and even went flying in his rented choppers. I was constantly excited and we were always laughing.

We played games with each other, got up to no good on MIRC chat line (remember that?) , called each other ‘My Lord’ and ‘My Lady’, spent sunny afternoons lazing at the pool and evenings of skinny dipping. There were loads of friends and drunken laughs and plenty of sunshine and international visitors and German culture - an incredible amount of fun, it never stopped. It was as if we were in competition to see who could have the most fun and we certainly got on with it.

Right now I feel like I have put on an old mask of those days and realise that excitement is an attitude. I used to put in on in the morning and keep it going. I would have a day off sometimes every now and then to recover.

I wish I had those days back, my mind tells me that they belong to a younger age and that I would look like mutton dressed as lamb if I tried them on now but I don’t want to believe it.

I remember a conversation we had while splashing around in the pool, one late Sunday afternoon. There was a song playing on the music station in the lounge, loud enough for us to hear it from outside, and I was really enjoying it. We were talking about our compatibility and P said that we were so close to each other, because after all, I was the only one who knew that he sat on the loo when he pee’d. We laughed, then he added contrastingly, ‘but you’re so young you probably enjoy this song that’s playing.’ I was shaken out of my blissful reverie.

I can still feel the full impact of that moment, the smell of the chlorine in the pool, the warmth of the sun on my skin, the music lulling me, his friendliness creating a safety cocoon, and then the truth, stinging, when I least expected it.

It’s been 10 years since then, how time flies.

The song was playing in my mind today when the sun was as strong outside as it was back then, I had to immediately download it and listen to it, for old time’s sake. I must admit, it sounded fake, youthful and boring and I suddenly got it, I have grown up.

I resisted the urge to call him up and say, ’hey, remember that song you said I enjoyed because I was so young?...well I just heard it again and it’s crap, wanna meet up for some coffee?’

But of course I can’t because he is on the other side of the world, back home, and I am here. The last I heard of him was that he was engaged and proudly raising his fiancée’s daughter. He moved on, and so have I in many ways.

But I know that he’ll always recognise my voice on the phone, even if I try to fake it. It’s one of the things we share P and I, recognising each other’s voices and the sweet nostalgia of our connection on a level only we know...

And the song? ‘Your Woman’ by White Town, how ironically appropriate.